Today I was signed off work for two weeks for my depression. I haven’t felt this bad four about five or six years and I’ve considered cutting. I won’t; I’m pretty sure of that actually but I spent a good hour at work yesterday trying not to cry and then another hour trying to stop crying. I managed to finish my day by making myself stay until I had finished one task, then another and another until I felt better. I was working on the medication for a care home and I really didn’t want to leave that unfinished.
When I got home I felt better, I talked to Bethend and hugged my son and felt a bit better.
But I knew I couldn’t wait another day to go back to see the doctor. Couldn’t wait until he had a free appointment next week so I went this morning and he signed me off work for two weeks. I have to put myself first apparently.
Not always easy when you’re a parent.
If it wasn’t for my wife and son though, I wouldn’t be trying so hard to be ‘better’. I definitely wouldn’t have gotten my uniform on and gone to the doctors with the intention of going to work. I wouldn’t still be writing for freelance jobs or taking my meds or trying at all.
Talking to my wife helped a lot and made me think about the past, and how my ex always blamed himself. It always made me feel guilty and he would insist that if I loved him I should be happy and not suicidal or self-harming or depressed.
It’s not that simple. I’m happy now, I have a family I love and a life I enjoy overall despite the many stresses I’ve gone through over the past six months or so.
Causes Of Depression
One in five people will have an episode of depression in their life. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety since I was about seventeen, undiagnosed until I was in my twenties though. At no point has a doctor told me what the cause was because no one really knows what the cause is.
There are some ’causes’ that can trigger depression or factor into include:
- Childhood Experiences
- Alcohol and drugs
- Stress and Live Events
I check a few of those boxes myself, and I’ve been diagnosed with other mental health problems that still cause me problems from time to time but those are no one’s fault either. I mean, of course, some of these life events and childhood experiences definitely have people I can blame them for but not everyone reacts to everything the same way. Those experiences made me susceptible to depression and mental health problems certainly.
But there is no blame to be had for this round of depression, there are certainly triggers but no blame to be had. No one’s ‘given me depression’. There’s no magic cause as much as there is no magic cure. It’s no one’s fault.
Not even mine
I used to have a resource page of mental health links but it’s under construction right now. For now here are one or two sites I like and their pages about depression.