Today I was signed off work for two weeks for my depression. I haven’t felt this bad four about five or six years and I’ve considered cutting. I won’t; I’m pretty sure of that actually but I spent a good hour at work yesterday trying not to cry and then another hour trying to stop crying. I managed to finish my day by making myself stay until I had finished one task, then another and another until I felt better. I was working on the medication for a care home and I really didn’t want to leave that unfinished.
When I got home I felt better, I talked to Bethend and hugged my son and felt a bit better.
But I knew I couldn’t wait another day to go back to see the doctor. Couldn’t wait until he had a free appointment next week so I went this morning and he signed me off work for two weeks. I have to put myself first apparently.
Not always easy when you’re a parent.
If it wasn’t for my wife and son though, I wouldn’t be trying so hard to be ‘better’. I definitely wouldn’t have gotten my uniform on and gone to the doctors with the intention of going to work. I wouldn’t still be writing for freelance jobs or taking my meds or trying at all.
Talking to my wife helped a lot and made me think about the past, and how my ex always blamed himself. It always made me feel guilty and he would insist that if I loved him I should be happy and not suicidal or self-harming or depressed.
It’s not that simple. I’m happy now, I have a family I love and a life I enjoy overall despite the many stresses I’ve gone through over the past six months or so.
Causes Of Depression
One in five people will have an episode of depression in their life. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety since I was about seventeen, undiagnosed until I was in my twenties though. At no point has a doctor told me what the cause was because no one really knows what the cause is.
There are some ’causes’ that can trigger depression or factor into include:
- Childhood Experiences
- Personality
- Genetics
- Alcohol and drugs
- Stress and Live Events
I check a few of those boxes myself, and I’ve been diagnosed with other mental health problems that still cause me problems from time to time but those are no one’s fault either. I mean, of course, some of these life events and childhood experiences definitely have people I can blame them for but not everyone reacts to everything the same way. Those experiences made me susceptible to depression and mental health problems certainly.
But there is no blame to be had for this round of depression, there are certainly triggers but no blame to be had. No one’s ‘given me depression’. There’s no magic cause as much as there is no magic cure. It’s no one’s fault.
Not even mine
Links
I used to have a resource page of mental health links but it’s under construction right now. For now here are one or two sites I like and their pages about depression.
What an honest post, Sorry to hear this, sounds like you are taking positive steps to get the help you need though. A useful post to help others in a similar situation and useful links. A very positive and important message, depression is nobody’s fault! #KCACOLS
I find that sharing issues like this and getting some words down about how I feel really helps, it just lifts a slight weight off my shoulders. Hafal and Gofal are great resources for those based in Wales.
I definitely agree it’s absolutely no ones fault. Well done you for writing this all down, sharing your experience and being honest. I’m so sorry for what you are going through though. It sounds like you are helping yourself though & taking positive steps which is great. xxxx
There is a lot to say on this, and please don’t be offended by my simplified examples. Firstly, your ex sounds like an idiot, so don’t take any heed of what that person said. Get it out of your head now. Secondly, if you had a back injury that flared up from time to time, you wouldn’t think twice about taking time off to recover. You wouldn’t think twice about taking the meds that eased the pain, or helped you recover. Depression is the same. Sometimes it flares up for no foreseeable reason we can access. It just does, but like the random back injury, it needs to be treated so it doesn’t get worse. Now here is the good thing that I see in this post. You saw it. You weren’t tricked by it (and it is a very, very deceptive disease. It makes you think things that aren’t true, and yet you saw through it.) You are doing something about it. Even if half heartedly, you are still ‘on it’. All these things mean you are better than you were before (in the past). Like chicken pox and shingles. The first is full blown., The second is bad and needs urgent attention but you are more aware of what is going on, and what needs to be done. And that means the battle is halfway done already. I hope you recover soon, and it sounds like you have good people around you – and the best bit, it sounds like you know you are worth fighting for. Good luck #KCACOLS
I really feel for you. Depression makes the whole world seem like a different place. A horrible one. I think it’s great that you’re blogging. Creativity can help with well-being. I’m not saying it always works or anything like that, I’m just speaking generally.
Dan
http://www.somethingmoreweekly.com is the ongoing story of my actual life in South London
It mustn’t have been easy to have made the decision but as you said you need to put yourself first and get better as it’s no one’s fault it happens.
What really strikes me about depression is that nobody is immune, it can slap you in the face/creep up on you at any point, you can’t just snap out of it. My experience has shown me the best way to deal with it. And now I recognise a trigger and act on it. And like you say, it’s no one’s fault. Keep going. #kcacols
I’m really sorry to hear that things are tough right now. It’s a brave post to write though and thank you for sharing. I think the more open and honest people are about depression the better we can all support each other! xx
I think this is a really honest post. Depression is a weird one, gets you when your not expecting it, and you can’t just shake it off like some people expect. Writing about it definitely helps others realise they’re not alone in how they feel. Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next time.
I have been there, so I feel you and hear you. Sending a hug and hoping you can get to the root of the issue, or at least begin to feel better soon. Depression sucks and robs the colors from the world. I hope your color comes back soon. xoxo #kcacols