During Tabby’s cancer I started to experience some long term pain issues. My legs would seize up and it would be hard to walk, and some evenings I ended up going down the stairs on my bum. It was pretty scary, but also my youngest child was having chemotherapy so it wasn’t really a priority. I attributed it to stress, because I was definitely stressed and any other time I’ve gone to the doctor, I’ve been told it’s stress. or anxiety. Or depression.
And when I did go to see someone, they couldn’t find anything physically wrong. I have some osteoarthritis in my knees, but nothing would really explain the pain and stiffness. And it didn’t go away. Tabby finished her chemo, started school, got healthy and my pain didn’t really improve.
I think the best way to describe it is a list:
- General stiffness in legs.
- Pain in my left hip, leg and knee.
- Shin pain that radiates down (that’s new) when I walk.
- Unable to completely relax my legs.
- Legs feeling like they’re vibrating.
- Legs aching constantly.
- Hard to sit down, get up, stand for any amount of time in one spot, hard to sit down for too long.
- Legs feel cold, even when they’re warm to the touch.
- Worse when it’s cold, I’m run down, or stressed.
- Probably more stuff I can’t remember.
I also get some pain in my shoulders, sensitive skin in patches on my arms (mostly) and my hands hurt when they get too cold. I really struggle with the cold, and on top of my Season Affective Disorder, it means everything between October and March is harder.
There’s two things going on. I have an injury called Iliotibial Band Syndrome which is related to when I tore my meniscus in my left knee (which led me to swearing at my boss lol). This is has been made worse by walking up hills. Which is unfortunate because I live in Wales. it’s all hills. Like, you go somewhere, it’s up a hill, and when you leave, somehow, you still need to go up a hill.
I also have fibromyalgia. It’s a working diagnosis, according the psychologist at the pain team I’ve been seeing, and while, I get that it’s a diagnosis of exclusion (in that, there is nothing else wrong so it must be that) but it fits more than I would like to admit and I’m still coming to terms with what that means for me and how I manage it.
The psychologist explained it to me in a way that makes a lot of sense. My body and mind just couldn’t take any more trauma. tabby having cancer was one trauma too many for me to take, and now my body’s response to stress is to overreact.
So, I’m learning my limitations. And finding my own solutions too, as I can’t quite rely on the doctors to do much. It took so long to get to this point, and the only reason I managed to get someone to look at my hip was because my psychologist could refer me. The NHS is underfunded, and often, doctors look at me – a depressed and anxious overweight person and assume it’s all related without doing much about it.
I found a sports massage therapist and went to my first session with him on Saturday. It was really good, though, by the end of the day I was sore. Today I feel pretty good all told which is nice. I will go back to him and see how I can get it to work for me. I take taxis up the hill to work some days. I spend most evenings in bed – not asleep, but just relaxing and being warm. I have a hot water bottle at work. I use a cane when I need to (which is more often than not). I have compression gloves and thick socks and just try to get through the pain as well as I can. Because that’s all I can do. I can’t just stop. I have bills to pay and kids to parent and a shop to run.
I admit, a lot of it falls apart quickly. I really struggle in the mornings. My concentration is shot all to hell some days, and what I find the hardest to deal with it when my legs feel wrong. The pain is one thing, but some days, even when I’m just sitting my legs don’t feel…right. I can’t quite describe it, but those are the toughest days, when there doesn’t seem to be anything obvious wrong, but also, everything is wrong at the same time.
I think it’s why I’m trying to move into more digital products for the shop and general side businesses. Making badges on my own in my cold office is hard work, but chilling on the sofa with the kids and some tea creating colouring pages is a bit easier.
Hopefully, everyone can bear with me, as I figure this all out and maybe at least get my left hip and knee to a decent place. Thanks, for listening to me ramble about my pain. It was overdue!
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