I very much feel like I gave up over the winter.
I went into winter okay, without the dread, having come to terms (more or less) with my fibromyalgia diagnosis and the chronic pain and the seasonal effective disorder. I went into winter telling myself it was okay that winter would be slow, that I could go to bed as soon as the kids were in bed, that I didn’t have to be productive, that I just needed to accept that winter sucked and I struggled and had to do whatever I could to get trhough. That my mum was settled in the home and safe and the kids were thriving and it was fine.
Which is different mindset to previous winters, but while mentally I managed better at the time, I’ve come into spring feeling a little out of sorts. A little dispondant with hoiw little I did. And how much I gave up.
Over the winter I:
- didn’t write
- barely played video games
- effectively closed my Queer Little Shop
- didn’t speak to many people other than my wife and kids (and my mum)
- didn’t plan for Pride In Aber 2025.
I did:
- Create a colouring book (or two)
- brushed up on some old web coding skills
- Helped my wife set up her proof-reading business
- Got Flower into archery
- Got Tabby hearing aids
- Applied for PIP (got zero points, woo!)
- Had a great christmas
- Went to Chester for our xmas trip
And to be honest, that’s okay, I just am still learning how to manage my life, my health (physical and mental) and I really am not very good at it.
Some of the things that have happened over 2024 that have really impacted us:
- I started a new job having worked at the charity for five years.
- Mum’s dementia worsened and she was in our care for a short time but this was no sustainable.
- Mum went into a home. Couldn’t stay in the home. Went into another home.
- Tabby’s hearing got worse and we were worried it was permenant (side effect from chemo). She has Glue Ear it turns out and got hearing aids a couple of weeks ago.
- Puberty blockers were banned for under 18s in the UK due to a deeply flawed and tranphobic “review” by Hilary Cass. This means right now, I can’t get my trans kid puberty blockers. Even privately.
I realise now, that my child having cancer is definitely worse than all this, but I had scaled back a lot during 2021 as well anyway (despite only running the shop for a year). I’m not a big fan of saying we have to just get on with it, but giving up too much isn’t the answer either.
Somewhere there is my middle ground. I’ve just not found it yet. I turn 43 in a week and a half, so I should have this all sussed out by time I’m 60.
Maybe 🤣
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