Some Worries About Gender, Sex and Snappy.

In a week exactly (at time of writing) we have our twenty week scan and should be able to find out what the sex of the baby is. I say should because during every scan my sister had with her second child Poppy, she turned over and they didn’t find out until she was born. I half suspect Snappy will do similar, it was already awkward at the first scan and I foresee similar at the next scan (and all the scans to be honest).

Definitely my child.

Anyway. Here is where the problem lies.

Just cause the baby is designated a certain gender, it doesn’t mean it is that gender. I’m always trying to find the right words to use, so you’ll have to bear with me.

Sex and gender are not the same thing so whatever sex it is may not be it’s gender. Not everyone else thinks the same way I do, not everyone can see them as two different things. Two separate things that are not necessarily permanent.

I am genderfluid, so on any given day I am not the gender I was assigned with at birth. On any given day, my sex and my gender are not the same thing.

I dislike gender stereotypes. Well, all stereotypes, and hope to raise my child, whatever it’s gender preference as someone who feels they can be whoever they are from the very beginning. Whether they’re cis, trans or queer. This is important to me as both a genderfluid person and a trans ally. I want to live in a world where my child is safe and free to be whoever it is and that starts with me.

And part of me doesn’t know how to go about it.

I’ve been struggling with this whole ‘gender reveal’ malarky. I get asked all the time by people if we know if it’s a boy or a girl, if we’re going to find out, which do we want.

Snappy doesn’t know it’s gender yet, so how am I supposed to know, and those words are gendered words. Or perhaps my brain is making them gender words over sex words.

Perhaps I’m over-thinking it.

I solicited some opinions from the members of an geeky LGBTQ+ group I’m a member of on facebook, and they were really helpful. They reminded me of the difference between the sex and gender, that it is not a gender reveal but a sex reveal. That we will be finding out the babies designated sex, and one day, we will find out it’s gender, whether it matches it’s sex or not.

I really want to do a whole ‘reveal’ thing with chickens, I guess it also makes me feel a little uncomfortable at the same time.

The pronouns however, may or may not be another issue. I am happy with all and any pronouns, but I know how important they are to others. They may be very important to Snappy or they may not even care like their mum. Should I call the baby them they’re until they’ve decided? Should I just go with the assigned pronouns until it makes a decision of it’s own.

Am I over thinking it?

I’m aware that this is a more rambling post than usual. I could just tell everyone it’s a crocodile. I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter, whether you be cisgender, trans, agender, genderfluid, genderqueer, nonconforming and so on. Let me know in the comments or via the contact form if that makes you more comfortable.

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20 Comments

  1. This is a really interesting post, and something that, as a cis-gendered person, I had never considered. It did used to annoy me when people would ask “what are you having?” when I was pregnant, and I would just say “hopefully a baby,” since it doesn’t matter one way or the other. As a society we are used to having fixed ideas about gender, and I guess that’s why people get so excited at the scan. For me, I chose to find out the sex of the baby, and that was partly because I was interested, and partly because I wanted to be able to narrow down the choice of names-but then why we have gender-specific names raises a question in itself.

  2. I feel for the confusion you are experiencing. A lot of parenting comes with that confusion. For my own sanity I have come to realize not to try to plan things to the end, but day to day. There are too many forks in the road and I drive myself crazy! Pinned and shared. Thanks for linking up at #overthemoon! I hope you will join me at #thursdayfavoritethings.

  3. I know sometimes I make reference to my son’s future significant other as girlfriend/wife and then correct myself by saying “or boyfriend or whoever”. The correction seems silly in some regards because I am just using the term girlfriend as a default placeholder. I don’t care who he falls in love with as long as they treat him well. In some ways, that’s what it feels his sex is, a placeholder for his gender. That doesn’t mean I put him into a male box and shape him male until proven otherwise. I hope that his upbringing will allow him to be who he truly is in a myriad of ways.

    Wondering people’s thoughts on that? Is it offensive to have defaults? Is that like assuming X and Y are the norms and anything else is a deviation from that? I suppose I don’t think of having to change placeholders as being a bad thing but I can understand that it would make some people uncomfortable.

    1. I don’t think it’s offensive to have the defaults, the offence comes when the specific is ignored if that makes sense. I think that it’s important to start changing the default though.

  4. Howdy! I would say you’re over-thinking it, but for you maybe you’re thinking about it as much as you need to because it’s important to you. As far as pronouns, I would go with whatever sex the croc is, and as with every other aspect of their life/personality, let them lead the way as the years go by and they gain the language and self-awareness to define themselves.
    Sure, you don’t have to go with the old “It’s a bouncing baby boy!” thing with blue balloons (or princess/pink etc.) if you don’t want. Make it your own. It’s a female! It’s a baby! It has XY chromosomes! It has a willy! It’s a reptile with no teeth yet!
    I hope everything goes well at the scan,
    Lisa x

  5. People can’t help themselves, I am 36 weeks pregnant and I still often get asked if we know. Yes we do its a boy, we already have one boy so the natural question that comes next is – would you like a girl are you going to have another? Err no. Lets focus on getting this little one out and healthy and at 36 we will not be having anymore!! Drives me bonkers. Although I did do a sex reveal for the blog. Thank you for joining us at #BloggerClubUK hope to see you again this week

  6. If it’s important to you think about it, I would never say you are overthinking something as we don’t know what is in your mind and best for you or how you want it to be. Take one day at a time I say. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme

  7. Wow this is so interesting!! What an honest post Bread! I have never thought of this difference between sex and gender until now from a pregnancy perspective. Yes you are right I guess you are now looking forward to find out the sex of the baby and later on when baby is not a baby any more (lol) you will know the gender. I think you should enjoy every single day of what you know now. Focus about having a healthy baby which is the most important part I think. The sex, gender is not the most important and it shouldn’t matter as long as the baby is happy and all of you are happy. I remembered during my second pregnancy finding out that my baby was going to have some healthy issues and to be honest I was praying every day for the baby to be healthy and didn’t matter to me anymore if the baby was female or male anymore. I just wanted to hold my baby and let her know (well now I know is a she) that everything will be fine. Luckily she was born fine with no problems but I was worried the whole pregnancy!! The only thing I can say is just enjoy this moment because is amazing to know that there is a gorgeous human been growing every day and pretty soon you will be able to meet he/she! How exciting is that? Thanks so much for sharing this at #KCACOLS. It is always lovely to have you!! πŸ™‚ xx

    1. You’re spot on. I hadn’t actually thought of that – I mean, as long as it’s healthy and here it doesn’t matter. So many people don’t even get that, I am grateful that so far everything is looking up πŸ™‚

  8. A very interesting post! And not something I have ever really thought about before, you’ve definitely got me thinking. Thank you so much for linking up to #KCACOLS Hope you come back again next Sunday xx

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