I used to write a lot more than I do at the moment.
The reasons for this, some of them at least, are pretty obvious. Shifting priorities in my life, with bills, marriage, my kids. My Queer Little Shop and Pride in Aberystwyth. It all adds up and gives me more to do, and less time to do it all in.
And I’ve never been great at organising my time.
Lockdown and the Bean’s cancer really did a number on me too – while I created a lot of designs and art in lockdown for the shop, writing really fell aside and I stopped writing much on the blog, even as I tried to make sense of some of the worst parts of my life. I spent so much time surviving during the cancer sabbatical that there wasn’t much time for anything else.
I kept the shop going but didn’t add much that was new, took a few months off (mostly when Beany went in for her liver transplant). I spent so much time sitting around, I could’ve been writing, I could written so much, but most days, most days I was barely able to keep my head on straight to keep the kids happy and alive and thriving.
There are other aspects to the drought. Certain types of writing feels too hard, too much emotionally. Blogging about my mental health, my own health, me, was easy. The things that happened to me as a kid, as a teenager, as a young adult – those are in the past, years ago, writing about that was easier but the trauma of Lockdown and Cancer, was too hard to live in it, let along write about it.
Writing has always been an outlet, a coping mechanism and an escape but in the middle of all this, it wasn’t enough. And then to not have and try and get it back has been hard. The longer I went without it, the harder it has become to use it again to cope, escape, explain (to you and to myself) where my head is at and how I’m managing to live in this cruel but beautiful world.
I struggle with social media, with balance, with expectations. I’m struggling with certain realities I cannot deny. I am getting older. Queerer. The world is getting harsher. I’ve tried hard to fit into worlds of writing, art, social media, work, business, parenting, that just weren’t made for people like me.
Blogging
Writing was a long-time constant, while I bounced around with other stuff and then managed to settle on the shop and making art for the past few years I’ve made enough of a success of it to supplement my bills, pay for some of my video games that I also struggle to find time to play.
Blogging has changed a lot over the years as well. It’s not the same hobby or the same business it was ten years ago, five years ago. I started blogging on websites like diaryland (which I just learnt still exists) livejournal, modblog. I’ve been using WordPress for about 15 years. Social media has changed it a lot. Influencer marketing isn’t even the same as it was.
Video – short form and long form – continues to grow and change the landscape of so many different things.
I don’t really do video. I have made Reels and TikToks, made videos but it’s not my preferred medium. I don’t even watch them that much, most viral short form videos pass me by. I don’t spend ages doom scrolling social media. I read the same sub reddit every day, and read the news, on occasion I read fanfiction of whatever tv show I’m currently binging and that’s it. I do need to branch back out a bit in terms of the media I am consuming but that’s another issue all together.
Substack, Patreon, subscriptions models effect things too and I’ve been trying to hard to navigate it all, instead of just writing.
Trying To Write Again
So, I’m just going to try and write. I don’t know how long it will last, I’ve tried a few times to get back into writing, to get into a writing habit. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be the writer I want to be, but I am going to keep trying to be the person I want to be.