I Want To Be A Mum Just Not Pregnant

I was asked by a friend of ours who’s wife not long had her second child if I was feeling broody. I’ve spoken about it before, when we first started this whole thing and yes I was broody – though it has passed now that we’re actually having a child. Though every time I see a cute baby I feel it again and I remember that I am about to have a cute baby of my own.

A hairy baby but a cute one.

His question was more aimed at whether I wanted to have a baby myself, whether I wanted to be pregnant.

I didn’t really want to be a year ago when we started all this – I still don’t want to be. I’m not sure I will ever want to be pregnant. I never really have. A few years ago, well, more than a few years ago my ex-wanted to have kids and while I wasn’t against the idea, in general, I didn’t want to do it. It was about the permanence back then, the fact that we could barely look after ourselves (my mental health was awful), and I was still in college.

Now it’s for different reasons.

I would have to give up my medication.

I’ve actually already started the process of coming off my medication but it’s a long road and I’m not sure I’ll be able to come off the Seroxat entirely. The withdrawals are pretty rough and I don’t know if I really need them or not. The Tegretol was to keep me stable but I’m not unstable anymore, haven’t been for a very long time. I can’t be on these be medication if I want to carry a child, bethend came off her medication when we started to conceive.

If I do come off it and it turns out I have to go back on it, I don’t know what the risk is to a child and I would never forgive myself should anything happen.

So until I am sure that I could give up the medication, and stay off it, I couldn’t risk it – and that could take a few years.

I Don’t Have To Be Pregnant

It’s easy when you’re in a same-sex marriage – one of you gets pregnant, you both have a child. So I don’t actually need to be pregnant to have the child I want, to be a mum.

Sounds simple I suppose but since marrying bethend I’ve always been aware that she would have the first child, she would be pregnant first. She wants to be. I don’t. We still get to be mums.

My Hormones Are Rubbish

Bethend is a lucky individual who’s hormones are wonderful and she does not suffer quite as much as I do every month. My hormones are bonkers – most periods are horrible at best, I’m usually late, some months I’m unable to walk. On occasion, I miss a period entirely. I wear the patch and it gives me a bit more stability but still, it’s pretty crap and the longer I wear the patch the more my body gets used to the help. So, with bethend’s wonderful hormones have meant that most of the pregnancy has been mild, I suspect my body would not react as well. I think pregnancy would be really hard for me – plus I’m overweight and under active. I just don’t think I’m made for pregnancy.

I Might Never Want To

And there’s nothing wrong with that, not everyone wants kids, not everyone who wants kids wants to be pregnant. Not everyone who’s pregnant wants kids either. I’m fortunate. I didn’t know how I would feel once bethend was pregnant and I don’t know how I’ll feel when Snappy was born or when (or if) we plan to have a second. Will I want to have that second? I would say it’s unlikely but you never know. Maybe I’ll change my mind.

I am fortunate – either way, my wife is pregnant with my first child and I am going to be a mum.

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bread

Queer, weird, geek, poet and now parent.

10 Responses

  1. Sandy KS says:

    Congratulations on getting the chance to be the mom you want to be on your terms.

  2. Soppy mum (Sara) says:

    Congratulations! Really happy for you, my best friend and her wife are having so many issues trying to get pregnant. She, like you, has no wish to be pregnant but can’t wait to be a mum. It’s a shame sometimes that people feel they can ask personal questions. There are many ways to be a mum not all of them start with pregnancy. Good luck xx #kcacols

  3. Oh I would love to have a child but not be pregnant. I never want to go through pregnancy ever ever again. To be honest I don’t much like babies either but if someone would hand me a lovely 6month old I’d happily have another. Maybe best to just stick with the two! Congratulations! #KCACOLS
    Fran @ Whinge Whinge Wine recently posted…Six parents you will meet at soft playMy Profile

  4. So interesting to see it from your point of view and I think it’s fantastic you get the chance to be a mum! I found my pregnancy fab in some ways but really hard in other ways and I absolutely understand anyone not wanting to be pregnant. Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday xx
    Bridie By The Sea recently posted…My Sunday Photo – 7th August 2016My Profile

  5. laura dove says:

    Congratulations! I think that many women wish they could have a baby without being pregnant, I know for me pregnancy was a terrible experience, filled with worry and angst and panic. My second son was stillborn at full term, and we lost fifteen babies to miscarriage along the way, so in that way, it’s understandable that pregnancy isn’t a fun time for me. It’s just great that you can be a Mummy without all of that, and without the labour too, eek! #KCACOLS
    laura dove recently posted…Oh I do like to be beside the seaside‚Ķ.(Part one)My Profile

  6. Savannah says:

    Family doesn’t have a simple black and white description, and I think it’s so wonderful to open your doors and introduce the world to your family! It’s so amazing to watch you grow into motherhood on your own terms and, you’re right, you don’t have to be pregnant to be a mom!! Congratulations on your little one <3 #KCACOLS
    Savannah recently posted…DIY All Natural PedialyteMy Profile

  7. Oh congrats! I loved being pregnant, well except the horrid morning sickness throughout the Summer last year! I now have a gorgeous 6 month old. You will be a mum in no time! Good luck! xx
    #KCACOLS
    Rachel Bustin recently posted…6 Month Baby ReviewMy Profile

  8. This was so interesting to read, and I love your reasoning for why you don’t want to be pregnant. I’ve been waiting to hear news of your baby’s arrival, it’s been fab following your journey! x #KCACOLS
    Madeline (This Glorious Life) recently posted…8 years laterMy Profile

  9. The Speed Bump says:

    Congratulations! This is a really interesting post. #KCACOLS

  10. The fact that you don’t want to be pregnant but your partner does works out perfectly, no conflict in deciding who should be the one to get pregnant. Pregnancy is not an easy time and you don’t know how it’s going to affect you until it’s happening. Congratulations on becoming a mum! #KCACOLS

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