Six Frequently Asked Questions of LGBTQ Parents (And The Answers)

While there are more and more LGBTQ families than ever, thanks to changing societal norms, advances in IVF and IUI treatment and the fact that there are just more people in the world than ever, there are still questions that people have. That people ask or want to ask. People are curious about things that are different and while LGBT families have been around for a while, het and cis families are definitely the norm.

I personally am okay with most questions and I’ve been asked a lot of questions over the past fifteen months. And not just from straight people either, I’ve been asked questions by people in the LGBTQ community too because we’re at the forefront of some serious change here, making families and lives that are out in the open without fear or prejudice (eventually) and being LGBTQ doesn’t immediately make you an expert on how to do that.

Not everyone likes being asked questions, and there are some questions even I don’t like being asked. Some shouldn’t really be asked but I understand that most questions are because of a lack of understanding rather than complete ignorance. Some are just because people can be complete jerks.

So below, here some commonly questions of LGBTQ families and the answers.

Who’s The Dad/Mum?

Um, no one? This is quite common, along with who is the man/woman in the relationship. I find some cis people find a lot of comfort in their pre-conceived gender roles but you wouldn’t ask that of a single parent. We are both of the female sex so we’re both mummies. There is no dad, that’s how it works. No husband, no dad, no man. Just a cis lesbian woman and a bisexual genderfluid individual raising a little crocodile. We fulfil both roles but we don’t need to be a dad to do that.

Who’s The Real Mum/Dad?

Er, we both are. Using the world real invalidates me as the non-biological parent – the person who did not donate any genetic material to this endeavour but was no less part of the process of conception and birth. This is the one that hurts the most. I don’t mind being asked who carried the baby, and there may be some dads out there who don’t mind being asked which on of them donated the sperm. It depends on how comfortable you are talking about. For me, I’m happy to talk about it but not everyone is.

Is The Dad/Mum Involved?

Again, this is different for everyone. Some couples may want the donor involved in some way, but for most people, they don’t want or need a third person involved. Snappy does not know the donor but seeing as he is a family friend he may meet him eventually and he’ll know his ‘biological‘ cousins. I’m not sure what we’ll tell him when he gets older, probably that this man is part of him in some way, that he helped us make him, he and his wife (our friend’s sister).

What Does Your Kid Call You/What Do You Call Yourselves?

I don’t mind this one so much, it kinda makes sense and this one changes depending on the couple. For me and bethend, it varies. When we’re speaking Welsh, bethend refers to herself as ‘mammy’, and she often called me podge mummy. I tend to refer to us both as ‘mummy’, and sometimes I do call myself podge mummy. Eventually, Snappy will settle into what he wants or needs to call us, whatever sticks. It happens with grandparents a lot. Despite her best attempts to change it our friend’s mum is called gaga, my nephew calls one grandad ‘Gaia’, one grandad ‘dap‘ and my dad his other granddad, ‘grandad Phil‘. Maybe I will always be podge mummy. Maybe Snappy will call me something else entirely. Only time will tell and this is just us. The next couple you come across will be entirely different.

How Did You Do It?

I’ve been asked this by a few people. One colleague asked because this may affect his daughter in the future. One colleague asked.because her cousin did the same thing but wouldn’t tell her anything and she was dying to know. My mother in law asked because she was interested in how we made her first grandchild. We’ve told the story and the circumstances to couples who are looking to do the same thing. Some people are genuinely curious, some people are plain nosy. Most people have good intentions. Like I said when all your life you’ve been told that it takes a man and a woman to make a family you’re naturally going to be interested in how it’s done.

Will You Be Upset If They’re Straight/Gay/Trans?

I think this one is a bit redundant perhaps. Surely the people least likely to be upset with a kid’s sexuality/gender are the people who are already LGBTQ? I would never judge anyone for their choices, let along the way they were born, more so it was my own kid. It’s one of the stranger questions, to be honest.

Got Any Questions?

Ask me anything. I’m pretty much willing to answer most questions about most things really. If I wasn’t willing to talk about stuff I wouldn’t a blog and a big mouth. So if you have any questions leave them in the comments below or if you’d prefer, email me via our contact page.

For a list of LGBTQ terms check out my Queer Lexicon 101.

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bread

Weird, geek, poet and now mum.

39 Responses

  1. Stacey Higdon says:

    i appreciate you taking the time to answer some of these questions and satisfy people’s curiosity. To be honest, even straight parents get some of these questions. My husband and I tried to adopt a baby and we were asked about how we were going to explain it to friends and family. The mother was someone who would be a part of the baby’s life, so would she be mom, or would i be mom? could we both be mom? would that be too confusing? would we even let him know that she was his birth-mom? We ended up not getting the baby so none of those questions actually ended up being an issue.

    • bread says:

      My friend adopted their kids too and they get all sorts of mad questions as well. People mean well but don’t always have the most tact!

  2. Who is the man/woman?? Seriously?#kcacols

  3. Petite pudding says:

    This is a really interesting post and yes i think i can HONESTLY say that i have wondered at nearly all of these questions. Thanks for giving such clear answers and being so open. #kcacols

  4. OddHogg says:

    I love the name podge mummy – Am I allowed to hope that it sticks?! #kcacols
    OddHogg recently posted…Little Tikes Fold ‘n’ Go 4-in-1 Trike ReviewMy Profile

  5. I can’t believe people actually ask you the question about who is dad/ mum! So rude! #KCACOLS.
    the frenchie mummy recently posted…Baba Fashionista with Bebe BombomMy Profile

  6. Eps says:

    Sorry as i dont know why comment appeared in Capital letter even though im using lower case lol. I think you have a lovely family and i salute you both for raising a beautiful son. Well done! #KCACOLS

  7. Thanks for the super informative post. don’t you find people can be so nosey sometimes? we have one child and i’ve been sick so i can’t really carry another and everyone always asks when we’re having our second. Not really their business is it… #Kcacols
    nicole | The professional mom project recently posted…Passover Meal Ideas (that don’t taste like they are for Passover)My Profile

  8. Its amazing the things some people feel comfortable with asking about! #KCACOLS

  9. ERFmama says:

    Some very odd questions here! 😮
    I guess most people would ask questions because of it not being something they come across very often and then find very intriguing? 🙂
    Some questions though were plain rude. I hope most people only ask out of curiosity and don’t actually mean to be rude, but don’t think about how it actually sounds out loud hehe. 🙂

    #KCACOLS
    ERFmama recently posted…Top Tips: Things You Need For a Long Car JourneyMy Profile

  10. Honest, brave and funny post. Thank you for sharing your experiences! #kcacols

  11. Becky @ Educating Roversi says:

    Wow, it amazes me what some people will ask. i get that people are curious and interested and i suppose its best to educate people however the mum/dad question really shocked me! just rude! #KCACOLS

  12. Tracey says:

    Great post! I suppose some People are curious and some are just nosy but it is nice that you feel comfortable enough to share 🙂 #kcacols

  13. The mum/dad question is just plain ridiculOus, nOt to mention rude. I can understand people’s curiosity though and as long as the questions are asked with respect it can on,y be a good thing to help eductae people and help them understand x
    #KCAOCLS

  14. Tooting Mama says:

    People will always have questions if you have children out of the normal way. We’ve adopted ours and we get strange questions. I just love you’ve got it out there – that’s so fantastic. Yup, you’re the mum, that’s all that anyone needs to know! #KCACOLS

  15. Laura says:

    Great post, so lovely to hear your take on it, people are just CURIOUS and sometimes don’t think before speaking that some comments might upset you xx #kcacols

  16. Paula from Her Life Is Love says:

    I found this to be very informative. Thank you for opening up with these question and answers. #KCACOLS
    Paula from Her Life Is Love recently posted…Spring Cleaning Series – Cleaning Out the BedroomMy Profile

  17. It really never fails to surprise me how forward people are, to the point of rudeness! I totally agree that the way forward is to be as open and honest as possible. Happy belated Mother’s Day to you both #KCACOLS
    Andrea @ Topsy Turvy Tribe recently posted…Semana Santa, Holy Week in SpainMy Profile

  18. Dani says:

    Thank you for sharing AND BEING INCREDIBLY honest and open re some of the questions you get frequently asked. #KCACOLS

  19. I think people will always ask questions aboit thIngs they havent experienced before. I guess better than making thinGs up and staying uncomfortable. Well done both of you for Your willingnesS to discuss! Mrs H xx

  20. I love how honest you are about these questions, and a couple of them I have definitely thought about myself, mainly what the child calls both dads or mums, and how did you go about it. I think its human nature to be curious, but some of those questions are plain rude! #kcacols

  21. Great post. I’m sure loads of people want to know the answer to a lot of these, but are too polite to ask! #KCACOLS

  22. Helena says:

    I think it’s great that you are open to answering people’s questions on the subject. #KCACOLS

  23. Amy says:

    The most common one I have heard is “how?”, although now I think about it asking whether you are both called Mummy is a good question. I think it’s mostly curiosity not people meaning to be rude. #kcacols

  24. Ali Duke says:

    This is a great post. Your honesty is lovely. It’s a shame you have to put up with such rude questions from some. Sorry about the caps my Tablet is apparently having a moment lol.
    #KCACOLS

  25. Cassie says:

    How how PERFECT is that Mothers day card 😍

    These QUESTIONS still appear quite narrowminded to me So i personally wouldn’t ask them but its good you cleared them up for people that might wonder.

    I think if i was your friend/relative i would ask how you found a donor just out of interEst

    The only questions i had was to do with the abbreviations ‘Cis’ and the ‘Q’ on the end of LGBT. I’ve never seen the q before. Ive read your link on the lingo tHo and i’m all clued Up now 😜👍🏼

  26. it seems so silly to me that people think your household must be so outrageously different than a straight family. Family is family, end of story #kcacols

  27. i love your honesty and openness. i guess a lot of people are curious and want to know more. i have friends who are gay and have adopted. i imagine they get a lot of questions too. i think people are just curious in life aren’t they and it can be human nature to be nosey! it winds me up when people go on about having a second! good luck to you and your family. it sounds like you are doing an awesome job and im pleased to have come across your blog thru kcacols! look forward to learning more xx #kcacols

  28. ohmummymia says:

    podge Mummy sounds lovely:D Some of that questions are not right. Really ho someone can ask Who’s The Real Mum/Dad?
    #KCACOLS

  29. Pen says:

    Thanks for taking the time to andwer these questions. I am trying to think of a QUESTION to ask you…
    I guess i wonder whether if you are the mother who has carried the child in your womb for 9 months, you feel any different to the mother who has not. Is the bond with your child different? #KCACOLS
    Pen recently posted…Single parent dating, I just can’t be bothered.My Profile

  30. NICOLA says:

    tHIS IS GREAT AND VERY USEFUL TO KNOW WHAT’S ACCEPTABLE AND NOT ACCEPTABLE TO ASK! I FIND IT FASCINATING SEEING HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED AND FOR SINGLE SEX PARENTS TO BE NOTHING UNUSUAL TO OUR CHILDREN. THERE ARE TWO SETS OF LESBIAN PARENTS IN MY DAUGHTER’S CLASS. ONE OF THE CHILDREN’S MUMS HAVE SEPARATED AND NOW EACH HAVE NEW PARTNERS AND MY DAUGHTER REGULARLY SAYS THAT IT’S NOT FAIR AS SHE WANTS TO HAVE FOUR MUMS JUST LIKE HER FRIEND 🙂 #kcacols

  31. This is a really interesting post!
    I can see loads of parallels with families like ours (with a disabled member of the family) and like you say, i THINK most of the time it’s just curiosity or a lack of understanding THAT MAKES PEOPLE ASK STUPID QUESTIONS!
    i guess the more we talk about families that vary from the ‘norm’ the more unremarkable we’ll all become! #KCACOLS
    (PS. SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS, I CAN’T SEEM TO SWITCH TO LOWERCASE FOR SOME REASON!)

  32. people can Be so rude, speaking without actually thinking. Its so rude to ask who is the mum/dad and who is the ‘real’ mum.
    #kcacols
    Helen @talking_mums recently posted…Lyme Park: A National Trust day out in the North West UKMy Profile

  33. thank you for answering these questions, I think there is a lot of people out there curious as to how not offend others, its very stereotypically british i suppose! #KCACOLS

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