We Don’t Hate You: An Open Letter To Ex-Gays

The Ex-Gay is the newest minority apparently. The latest maligned minority, hated by the very community they once belonged to, facing prejudice at every turn.

At least, so they would have you believe.

As more and more countries and more and more US states ban gay conversion therapy, those who have been through it feel they are being targeted. Backed by (usually religious) right-wing groups, they even got together for a protest march.

Only thirty-six people came, but thirty-six was enough to get the attention of the media. At least some of the media. And one thing stood out to me.

Ex-gays think we hate them. So here is my open letter to ex-gays and ex-trans people.

“There is nothing wrong with you, there’s a lot wrong with the world you live in.” — Chris Colfer

Dear Ex-Gays,

We don’t hate you. Really, we don’t hate you.

We pity you. Feel sorry for you.

Imagine spending all that time in the closet, hiding yourself, pretending you’re something you’re not. Only to come out, be the true self, live your real life, be gay in every sense of the word. Or trans, or nonbinary. Or bi, pan, ace. Imagining living that life.

Then going back in the closet.

Yes, sexuality is fluid, gender is a social construct, but you cannot expect us to believe that you’re suddenly straight. Suddenly cis. It’s like changing your race, not your hair colour. You were born a member of the LGBTQ community, born this way and you will die this way.

You will die in the closet.

There is nothing sadder than that.

Imagine being brainwashed by people who believe being LGBTQ is a sin. An illness. Brainwashed by people who told you they wanted to make you better.

We never thought there was anything wrong with you. We welcomed you, wanted you, the real you.

The people who ‘converted’ you are the ones that hate you. The real you. For being born anything other than cishet. We never wanted to change you. And you have changed. Instead of the honest, free person you were, now you’re deceitful, naive, hurting. But not us, you’re deceiving and hurting yourself.

So. We just feel sorry for you. There’s no anger, no hate, just honest sadness.

You will get hate, there is no denying that, but it’s not hate born out of fear of you or even a lack of understanding like most of these things. It’s born of sadness and that disbelief and the idea that they have won. Because they’ve obviously won you over.

The thing is, if this is really how you feel, who you are, we’ll still support you. That’s what we do. That’s who we are. Who you were. It’s just going to be hard for us to really truly believe you’re not gay anymore. To believe you’re no longer the person you were born.

When you’re ready to be honest again, with yourself, we’ll be here for you all over again.


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