I don’t cook.
My wife cooks and I eat.
I can cook, and I will cook when needed but I don’t actually enjoy cooking that much, I do like food though and there are some things I can make without a cookbook or a recipe.
One thing I can make easily is Spaghetti Bolognese. My dad taught me how to make it when I was a teenager – it was one of the few things he could and would make that wasn’t frozen food or chips. He took his spag bol very seriously; it was always a big deal when he made it and he even made a version with Quorn when we went vegetarian for a while. He would measure out everything out exactly. Even the spaghetti was weighed. He also used curry spices that expired in 1994 right up past the millennium. This is not something I’ve replicated as it’s really hard to get out of date curry spices from the 90s.
I’m not as exacting as my father but I make a pretty mean bolognese.
So I present to the best Spaghetti Bolognese you will ever eat.
It’s definitely a meal.
- 1-5 Cats
- Beef Mince
- Tin of tomatoes
- Stock Cube
- Assuming your cooker is not as crap as mine, don’t put the water on just yet for the spaghetti. I, however, need to boil the kettle and get the water going!
- Wash hands. Remove cat from the counter. Wash hands again.
- Heat up some oil
- Wrap a tea towel around your mouth and nose.
- Cut up an onion. Cry anyway. Cook said onion.
- Cook the mince until it’s brown.
- Knock the cat off the counter with an elbow.
- Chop up some mushrooms. Eat some mushrooms. Cut up some more mushrooms because you ate too many mushrooms.
- Add the mushrooms to the pain. Realise you’ve used the wrong pan and it’s too small. Oh well, too late now.
- Add the chopped tomatoes. Realise that Lidl didn’t have any chopped tomatoes and it’s plum tomatoes. Stir them in and then smush them up until they are unrecognisable.
- Knock a different cat off the counter.
- Realise you don’t have beef stock cubes. Break up a chicken one anyway.
- Try and find the cheese grater. Give up. Cut the garlic up into tiny bits and add it in.
- Take honey out of spice basket. Question the existence of honey in the spice basket.
- Add 14 year out of date curry spices from one particular Indian store in Coventry. OR add pepper, cumin, paprika and a pinch of salt.
- Add cornflower to thicken.
- Realise at some point you should put the spaghetti into the sort-of boiling water.
- Cut up cheese. Give some cheese to cats. Regret this.
- Try the spaghetti. Try some more. Just to be sure.
- Serve. Cut up some cheese (see 13. in regards to grater). Put it on food.
- Put leftovers in food cupboards because of jerk cats (see 2, 7, 11 and 19).
Serves some people. At least two. Possible three. And some cats.