Thoughts On Finding A Donor

Finding a donor is a long process of disappointment, anxiety and TMI (too much information). Though when it comes to conceiving this way everything is a little TMI.

I’m a member of five or six websites, and about nine facebook groups. Most of the groups are active and as with all things that involve people there is some drama – both involving real issues and some that overhyped. I tend not to get involved unless something is very obviously giving out wrong information. Or being homophobic, racist, etc. I’m not really in these groups to make friends; I made my own group for that.

I’m in these groups to find a donor so I can have a kid and once we’re pregnant I’ll leave them all again until I need them again.

Both recipients and donors advertise themselves. What they have what they want, who they are. I have my own little spiel and I generally copy and paste it to every group I’m a member of. Same with the websites, I find someone who fits my criteria (white, close by, does AI and is clean) and messages them the same thing as every other donor. Copy, paste, send.

On the sites, most of my messages seem to go unanswered and one some sites I won’t pay for the messaging feature because I can’t. There are plenty of donors out there though, a couple of free sites and lots of Facebook groups. There are even localised groups.


He needs siblings like these two!

On facebook I’ve had more…luck doesn’t seem to be the right word – responses is a better word. I’m too far away, I only do NI, I’m black, Asian, not caucasian*.

I’m not even in the UK.

One guy said he does AI and then spent twenty minutes over messenger trying to talk me into NI or PI because it has more chance of success that way. Of course, it does, I know that, but we managed on our third try of AI with Snappy and well, we’ll risk it thanks mate. One guy wants to travel all the way from London, most guys are too far away, Today’s message was from a guy in Norfolk; he’s as far east as I am west.

We found a donor though. It was getting to the point where I would’ve considered anyone that lived in Wales. This guy is only an hour or so away and seems like a nice guy. He’s white, clean, does AI.

I’m happy with this guy so far. It’s hard to be sure without meeting him, but then, his personality only matters in terms of what could be passed on. I suppose as long as he’s not a psychopath it doesn’t matter; children develop their own personality. I’m not really interested in physical attributes either. I don’t care if he’s blonde or brunette, brown or blue eyes, a square jaw or small nose. My son is has a dark-haired mother, a dark-haired donor and is a blonde and looks exactly like his maternal great-grandfather.

Some people care more, some people consider the donor as more than just genetic material. I just want to have another kid, give my son a sibling, love and be loved twice over.

We’ve talked on and off for the past couple of weeks; getting to know him and setting a date.

That’s actually the most complicated bit sometimes. Fitting another person’s schedule into my wife’s own fertility cycle. We had managed it this month but then he had a family emergency and he didn’t come. I’m more upset about this than I thought I would be but then as I mentioned before the idea of not having another child really hurts – like anxiety but right inside my soul.

Try, Try Again.

I wish I could be the one to get my wife pregnant – I wish I didn’t have to have someone, anyone, else involved. Even if their contribution is minimal. I feel like a failure as if I am unable to something to provide for my wife and family. It’s very old school and very male. I assume this is a little how men feel when they’re infertile. It’s a little sexist I suppose, a little fifties. I’m not the man of the house or the breadwinner. I am simply bread but this is male part of me.

I’ve started to look for another donor, just in case. With the cache on my ‘ad’ that they have to be able to be close enough to drive to us and back in a day. So no one from Scotland. Or Paris (yesterday). or Uganda (that was today’s). I think I’ve found one. In that, I’ve found a guy I like, who’s interested, seems genuine, getting an STD check and supposed to be coming on Sunday. Next Sunday.

I say I think because I generally don’t deal with disappointment very well and I’m already struggling with what feels like a bout of depression. I’m already excited though because I’ve been ready to start this process for over two months now but it just comes with so many emotions.

I follow a lot of other same-sex couples on Instagram who are trying to have babies, though most via IVF at clinics. There are pictures of fertility drugs and daily injections and hospital appointments. Pictures of tiny eggs being fertilised and updates on whether they stuck. We won’t be doing any of that. Just a guy, a cup and a syringe.

I won’t be posting about much until we’re pregnant either, much like last time. This was an update the process and how we’re going about the process. I will write another more informative, less emotional post in the near future but not today.

9 Replies to “Thoughts On Finding A Donor

  1. This is a really interesting read. Thank you for sharing so much detail into the process. I can imagine it’s a struggling, emotional time for you all but I wish you all the best and hope you have a positive response soon!

  2. It sounds like a very long and emotional journey to go through. I imagine that disappointment and being let down are things that a part of the course but must have a devastating effect and be minor set backs. Hopefully one of the two men will be able to meet up. 🙂

  3. I felt like I was prying into your life a little as I read this. And I think it’s because I don’t really know much about this particular subject, and the process of finding a donor. It sounds really grueling though. Praying you get a positive outcome soon.

    Louise x

  4. This is such a touching post – I feel the stress and difficulty you must be going through in your words! I hope the luck starts pouring in for you and your loved ones.

  5. What an interesting post. I think when anyone is trying to conceive it is easier to not talk about it until you are pregnant but writing your feelings down can also be very therapeutic. 🙂

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