If there is something I’m really good at, it’s injuring myself. And I don’t mean deliberately self-harming; I mean accidentally causing myself some sort of injury because I’m clumsy. Or an idiot. Or, in many cases, both.
I’ve come to accept this in my life, I always was a clumsy kid, who then married a clumsy woman. Basically we’re both always either bruised or scratched or wondering why something aches (though, in my case, I’m just getting old and Bethend is generally just doing too much). In anticipation of the many injuries, we are fully stocked at all times. Pills, creams, gels, plasters, hot water bottles. You name it, I’ve probably got it tucked away somewhere a goober can’t get it.
It’s hard to say whether Snappy has inherited any clumsiness. Toddlers generally are clumsy. He is always a drama goober – demanding plasters for bug bites and little scratches (I blame the nursery for starting this).
Anyway, here are my stupidest injuries in no particular order.
Hit My Head On The Sink.
In my bid not to wake up my child at night, I have learnt some new skills.
One of which is peeing in the dark.
There are some other skills I’ve acquired but improving my night vision has been the most vital. I don’t often get up in the night to pee. Depends on how much water I took my tablets with before bed.
I do have a bathroom light, but it’s got an extractor fan hooked up to it that I haven’t figured out how to disable yet without breaking it. Or breaking the light. Of myself. It’s so loud and goes on for ages sometimes and so, peeing in the dark is the only way to get.
The thing is, sometimes my tablets make me a bit dozy when I wake in the night. Or sometimes I just a bit dozy from waking up in the middle of the night. One night, despite successfully navigating myself to the toilet, and sitting down (and finding the lid down, jumping up in cold shock, lifting it up and sitting down again).
It was the getting up that did me in.
I’m not sure how, but somehow, I stood up bent over and hit my head on the sink in front of me. I’m not sure if I was going to fall over, or if I just stood up funny or half falling to sleep. Either way, I was definitely awake after I hit my head.
Lesson Learned: I bought a touch light that is silent. It won’t help if I just fall but at least I’ll see what I’m about to give myself a mild concussion on.
Burnt My Stomach On An Iron
The TL:DR version of this is this simple advice: Don’t iron in your pants.
I couldn’t even tell you what I was ironing to be quite honest. Mostly because once that iron hit my podge I generally abandoned the entire endeavour. It’s must’ve been a shirt or some smart trousers. I don’t iron anything else, and I generally iron last minute to gain the maximum amount of time my clothes will be crease-free.
Hence why I was only in my pants at the time, because I was ironing clothes I was about to put on.
Do you know how hard it is to pour cold water onto a burn on your stomach? Without getting into a cold shower?
Me neither. I didn’t even both to try. I know the limits of both my podge and physics.
Lesson (partly) learned: At least wear a top when I’m ironing.
Fell Out Of My Own House
I’ve written about this before, but despite having lived in the bungalow where this accident happened, I still tripped over my own front step and went ass over biscuit tub into the driveway.
It’s Reb Brown’s fault.
He made a break for it, running out the door, we all went after him. I paused to get the cat biscuits to lure him back and basically…fell out of my house. As I lay sobbing in the driveway, cat biscuits scattered all over the tarmac, Reb came ambling up and started eating them. my nephew scooped him up and took him inside, and my wife scooped me up and took me inside.
I walked on it for three weeks before seeing a GP. I’d chipped my ankle bone. I had to wear the boot for six weeks.
Lesson learned: The cat will come back. We have the food and the opposable thumbs.
Burnt My Boob On A Cup Of Tea
So, I’m just going to forge ahead with this one because there is no way to explain the what or why without looking like a loony. So I’m just owning it.
I get really cold nipples.
I mean, I assume a lot of people do, but when mine get cold they get really painful.
And again, I assume I’m not alone in this.
However, I suspect I am alone in warming up my nipples on hot cups of tea.
Okay, so I do, and have done, the usual things, like hot water bottles and pressing my breasts against a radiator. When I worked for the Co-Op, I worked in the downstairs office of the chilled warehouse and in the Summer it was nice and in the winter it was hell. So I often went upstairs and leant on the radiator.
In hindsight, I should’ve just started bringing a hot water bottle to work but they thought I was weird enough without sitting there with one shoved down my top.
Sometimes, I had neither a hot water bottle or a radiator. But I did have tea. Or I already had tea and did not want to get up.
At home, I will put the tea directly onto my breasts. Not over the t-shirt, right on the boob. It’s the most effective way to transfer the heat.
And also the most effective way to burn your breast. Much like the burn line I had one my stomach, I had a nice red line on my left breast for a while. All I really accomplished was that my nipple and my breast hurt.
Lesson learned: Hot water bottles are good, don’t be a lazy git.
Got My Fingers Caught In Conveyor Belt
One of my first jobs was some temp work at a warehouse in Leicester, checking, tagging and packing clothes for various high street stores. I was a health and safety nightmare while there and was in the accident book three times in two weeks. The first time I just cut my finger, not even worth the paperwork or the plaster. The second time I hit my head (I’m really good at hitting my head on things).
The third time I got my fingers caught in a conveyor belt.
We ran the kids clothes through a metal detector, and there were two of these. One of them was a bit dodgy and the conveyor belt would slide to the side and you would have to stop the machine, shift the belt back to centre and start again.
In my genius mind, as a dumbass 19-year-old, two weeks into the job, figured it might be easier to move the conveyor belt back into place while it was still running.
This does not work. I still have a scar on my left ring finger.
Basically, the conveyor belt kept moving and I moved with it and after filling in the accident book, went home with my fingers wrapped up.
Lesson learned: Turn the conveyor belt off. Stay out of warehouses.
So Many Accidents
There are so many other incidents where my body has worked before my brain has really caught up with the movement. Or my brain has instructed my body to do something and it has not complied as expected.
I once ended up in the accident book the first day in one warehouse, fell over and gave myself a mild concussion in another. Hit my head on my sofa. Tried rollerskates and fell backwards onto my nan’s stairs and winded myself and bruised my back. Was pulling my nephew on a sledge and he fell off, causing the sledge to shoot forward and hit me in the leg. I had a bruise for six weeks.
It’s not just me either, the entire household is an accident waiting to happen….including the cats.