Cats Are Idiots: Six Things I’ve Learnt About Cats

Micky

Before having my first cat Micky nearly seven years ago, I’d never had a cat. I hated cats (furry jerks) and I like hamsters. I’m not a dog or a cat person. I am a

hamster person. I have no hamsters at the moment because Kitten ate the last

ones and I can’t risk that again. I have had a lot of hamsters though.

And now have a lot of cats. Two planned, three unplanned. Since my first cat, I’ve learnt a lot about cats. Most of it can be summed up in three words “Cats are jerks.” However, this can be split up into several categories of ‘cats are jerks’, as you’ll read yet. There’s also a couple of other interesting things about cats I’ve learnt that doesn’t make them jerks but certainly adds to it.

So buckle in, we’re starting with the big one:

Cats Are Gross

 

cat related injuries
Wiggles

I think this can be best summed up by the following scenario that hasn’t happened more than once, to the point where I’ve lost count or just blocked the memories.

 

Wiggles eats his breakfast. Apparently putting the word ‘fast’ into a meal has given him all the information he needs for this task and eats it as if the biscuits were mice and about the runaway at any second. He’s always been like this, we think he lived with too many cats and had to fight for food (and usually lost). So he eats as fast as he can. Faster if possible.

And then throws up.

Gross, right? It gets worse. Mostly undigested biscuits are pretty easy to clean up but make me gag a bit cause it’s still cat sick. This doesn’t seem to be a problem for Reb Brown who will eat partly digested cat biscuits. And other partly digested food.

Regularly,

Just writing it makes me gag a little.

There is so much more I could say, Kitten won’t use a litter box, Stink won’t either and also sprays inside if he’s waited too long for breakfast. They lick their own bums and the bums of each other. They get blackheads on their chins and bogeys. Wiggles has the most horrendous wind right now and I swear he’s trying to kill us. I could write an entire blog post just on how gross they are but I don’t think I have the stomach for it.

Not All Purring Is Good

When cats purr it usually, nine cats out of ten, means they’re happy and content and will have more fuss, please. However, on occasion, there is a cat that will purr when he’s happy and when he’s frightened, angry, upset, suffering from an existential crisis. I don’t think it’s common, I’m six cats in and so far only Wiggles purrs when he’s upset as well as when he’s happy.

And he purrs all the time.

I have no idea what’s going on with him most of the time. Is he purring because he’s hungry, happy dinner is coming soon, He’s always purring. Purring when he’s being fussed, purring in his sleep, purring when Snappy rugby tackles him for a hug. Purring when I’m trying to get rid of the damn blackheads on his chin (see above). Always purring.

The other four only purr when they’re happy. Kitten only purrs when she’s being fussed and she already relaxed or when she’s with her grandaddy cat Reb. Merry purrs between the hours of ten at night and two in the morning when it’s her designated fuss time (designated by her, not us). Thos four idiots are easy to figure out (well) but Wiggles, is always bloody purring.

Grass Is Good For Cats

In his favourite baking tray.

I had a dog when I moved to Wales called Danny. He was a cairn terrier, the runt of the litter, my parents didn’t expect him to live for more than two years cause he had a suspected hole in his heart (jokes on them he died at fifteen). He would eat grass and one of two things would happen. He would throw up grass or he would have green diarrhoea.

My cats eat grass and when I first saw Wiggles doing it I lamented the fact I would see it’s unpleasant green return from either end. Or knowing Wiggles both just to wind me up. When neither happened, my wife explained that grass is good for cats, and it aids in their digestive system.

And, and, you can actually buy grass for cats in little posts. Just in case you live in a block of flats in the middle of the city devoid of grass (or they’re indoor cats like mine were before we had a child).

Cats Are Idiots

You know all those cats on films, evil geniuses and tv cats that catch mice and are almost useful. Yeah, no, What I have are four idiots and a Hollywood cat. Kitten is my Hollywood cat. She catches mice (and rats and birds and recently almost caught a shrew) and comes in at dinnertime and uses the catbox we (my wife) made for them if they’re every outside in the cold or wet weather.

The other four are idiots. Even Merry. I mean, on a sliding scale of stupid she’s the smarter of the four, but it’s not a great scale. And it’s pretty a pretty steep drop down to the other three. Merry ate the shrew Kitten had been hunting, either she stole it off Kitten or caught it after it had been traumatised by her. Wiggles ‘caught’ a bird once though I suspect it died of natural causes and fell on his head. The chickens have killed more rodents than the four of them put together.

Reb must’ve been able to catch animals once upon a time. I mean he was wild and free before moving in with us and definitely not underfed. Though he could’ve been hitting up crazy cat lady every day and a few other old ladies in the village. Stink is an idiot but a sweet idea, however, he is the only cat I know of that does not land on his feet.

I’ve seen him do it once, from a foot in the air. Any higher and he belly flops or lands on his side.

These cats have nine lives and this is what they’ve chosen.

Cats Will Sleep Anywhere

If I fits I sits.” is definitely and sadly very true. And so is ‘If I don’t fits I sits’ because, well, see above.

Right now, our current problem is the fact that Reb keeps trying to sleep in my wife’s tray of pea seedlings. There is a circle that has not sprouted that matches his bum. It’s not evidence you can take to court, mostly because you could get laughed at but considering we’ve seen him sitting on said peas is pretty damning.

I’ve seen then sleep sitting up in boxes, curled up like doughnuts on counters or cushions or on top fo my PlayStation four – that’s a very popular place right now as it heats up when we’re playing video games. Kitten likes to sit on shelves. Wiggles likes to go to sleep loafing on my wife’s back at night. We usually have one cat in bed with us at night. They also sleep in Snappy’s cot – sometimes with him but they usually wait until he’s asleep first before getting in.

They will sleep on top of each other too, my three boys sleep in a big gay cat pile sometimes and I’m not even sure how they all breathe in there. Especially whoever’s at the bottom. For over a year they’d been slipping in an old rusty baking tray we’d been using to catch water from a potted plant. They killed the plant by knocking it over and then took over the pan. We put a blanket it in it because it was pathic. At Christmas, we upgraded them to a wicker biscuit.

Only for them to ignore it so they could sit on the peas…

I could go on. And on. And on.

Cats Will Eat (Almost) Anything

I’ve talked about this before, and as mentioned above, cats will eat vomit. And not just their own. They will also pretty much eat everything else ever. The only thing they won’t eat is chocolate. I’ve noticed a couple of times now that they will not steal chocolate. It’s like they know its poison. Which seems unlikely cause they’re idiots (see above) but possible.

However, they will eat anything and everything. Wiggles especially – I’ve written about it before.  He will pretty much eat most veg and anything else you don’t want him to have. I need to write part two on the things he stolen and eaten. It’s such a big problem now that we have to feed him in a  special bowl and lock him in the bathroom on his own.

Kitten has eaten mice, rats, birds and shrews so far. that we know of at least. its good that she can kill rats but not so great for the other small creatures.

Easy(ish) To Look After (very) Hard To Live With

Don’t get me wrong I love my cats a lot. Even when they’ree in the way causing me injuries and generally being a pain in the arse. I don’t nee anymore though, no matter how sweet the ginger Tom is. I could do with fewer cats but I’m stuck with them now.  The Cats are jerks but they’re my jerks.

I’m sure there is more to learn too, and there is more to say. What have you learnt about your pets? Anything weird or unusual? Let me know in the comments.

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27 Comments

  1. I’ve never had a cat – my partner’s allergic and my parents are dog people – but I feel like I just got a crash course here! xD I would never have thought they could get blackheads or acne. I mean, they have skin so duh, obviously, but it still kind of blew my mind. That and the cat grass! #KCACOLS

  2. Between childhood and now I have had 9 cats total (3 of my own, the rest when living with my mum as a child). Only 1 was smart (sometimes) and the other 8 were definitely idiots. Adorable fluffy idiots, but not much going on upstairs! I found myself nodding along with everything you said. #KCACOLS

  3. Haha, yep you’ve convinced me! Cat’s are indeed idiots!
    I’ve never had a cat myself, and am not really a keen pet person (even though I love animals in general). We had hamsters some years ago though, and they were great! Real little characters 😊x #KCACOLS

  4. I’ve never had a cat, but always thought I was more of a cat person than a dog person…until I ended up with dogs! Dogs just might be even grosser than cats by the sound of this. I won’t go into details! #kcacols

  5. Haha! I am a dog person but somehow both my kids are cat lovers! I can’t help but feel like cats look down on me as a sub-standard species…my kids still love ’em. Fortunately for me though, I am allergic (don’t question that …I just am *ahem*) #KCACOLS

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